Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Last night was the latest installment in the most interesting dorm wars season in some time. We had some uninvited guests. Not a huge number, compared to the night of the Serriad, but at least a whole wing worth of dudes from Peter and/or Paul. I wasn't in the commons when they arrived. In fact, I wasn't aware of their arrival until they made themselves comfortable. Yelling, grunting, banging into doors--allllllllllllwaaaaaaaaaaaays bang bang bang bang as freshman roll around on the floor, locked in sweaty amateur wrestling--usually my door--grunting, freeing themselves only to be grabbed again, repeat process--all while they tried to force their way into the study room.

They wanted Paul Alarcon.

I can see why one would want to capture Paul, since he usually is involved with dorm wars, has a well-known face, sometimes gets on nerves (only joking though, he's only joking), and being assumed to be an easier target than Coughlin, well, it adds up to a reasonable plan. All plans ought be successful in some sense to be worth one's while. The crowd of freshman--was it only freshman? Do only freshman really still care while the juniors (we have maybe four sophomores in the dorm) stand back and laugh? At least mostly freshman tried to get into the study room while mostly Serra freshman pulled them off. A huge mass of sweaty, young faces all yelling, disrespectful quiet hours. Prefects, try to quiet them down. They didn't even make much of an effort. The noise prompted Peter Doran to place a mattress over Dan "Big Angry" Lendman's (how do you spell that name? I for one don't know) door. As this crush of humaninty leaned against the door, Max Summe jumped around like a monkey while making simian noises. I have no clue why this happened.

The basic rule of dorm wars: Superior numbers. Here superior numbers with regard to the study room door held, though the door didn't. Paul, fortunately, had presence of mind. He claimed sanctuary in the oratory. Sanctuary, what a novel concept! Protection by religion! A man can still have safety while praying, even if it is only because his enemies, like Hamlet, wish to strike at a more opportune moment, procuring the victim's damnation, or at least not damaging one's own PR.

Defeat for Peter and/or Paul. No abduction, no victorious extraction, no virtus to laud and celebrate. Then a quick thinker yells "Get the Dorm Tyrant!" And we had to rescue Doran from this mob of fresh men, they certainly smelled it, who were dragging him out toward the gate. Still, mostly freshman pulling and pushing. I did help out. Peter was freed, by crashing through the hedge, breaking it. Our shrubbery! We demand a shrubbery!

The night seemed over. Both Doran and Alarcon had slipped through their fingers. Then, to chase out the guests, Peter brought out the hose. How many people would love to use a hose to chase out guests who have overstayed their welcome? Surely many. Surely most. If one never thought of it, then having the idea suggested, there must be some appeal in it. Unfortunately, this attempt merely devolved into tug of war. Superior numbers only work when the superiority is used. The broken, disinterested freshmen (and some others) didn't all rally round the hose. The night ends with Jack spraying the wretches as they run away. Victory. Victory. Victory.

It does do a number on your homework, though.


Prophet said...


Hail Bl. Junipera Serra!

Anonymous said...

Three cheers for my favorite dorm, in defeating....

... the dorm ours is allied to.

Such dilemmas doth dorm wars bring.