Act One of Richard II - A Humorouse Summarie

(Editors note: I was rereading my old posts from 2005-06 and was pleasantly surprised to discover that my writing was much better than I remembered. It was far more influenced by Dave Barry, as was my wont at the time. Anyway, I thought I'd repost this summary of act one of Shakespeare's Richard II for your enjoyment By the way, why isn't his name spelled Shakespear? That would make a lot more sense. Stupid English with her stupid silent e's. Anyway, hope you like it!)

In one of the scenes of Shakespeare’s Richard II, six different characters “throw down the gauntlet (pictured left).” One character, having already thrown his own gauntlet down, is forced to borrow someone else's gauntlet. This is quite a bit of gauntlet throwing.

Here is my summary of Richard II, Act 1.

1.1
Richard: I am the king. We will now hear two men charge each other of treason.
Bolingbroke: Mowbray, you are a traitor.
Mowbray: Am not.
Bolingbroke: Are too.
Mowbray: Liar.
[Throws down gauntlet]
Richard: Please don’t fight.
Mowbray: If I don’t I’ll be shamed.
Richard: Oh, well, go do it outside.

1.2
Duchess: Avenge my husband.
Gaunt: No.

1.3
Richard: Time for the fight. Contestants announce your purposes.
Bolingbroke: I am Bolingbroke, and Mowbray is a traitor.
Mowbray: I am Mowbray, and Bolingbroke is a liar.
Herald: Start the fight.
Richard: Stop the fight. Bolingbroke you’re banished for 10 years, Mowbray you’re banished for life.
Bolingbroke: That sucks.
Mowbray: That sucks even more.
Richard: Because your father looks sad, Bolingbroke, you only have to be banished for 6 years.

Gaunt: Son, if you pretend this exile is a vacation, it’ll be fun.
Bolingbroke: No, this sucks. I can’t play pretend.
Gaunt: No really, it’ll be fun.
Bolingbroke: No, it’ll still suck.
Gaunt: I’m going to die if you leave.
Bolingbroke: Good bye.

1.4
Richard: Is Bolingbroke gone yet?
Amuerle: Yes.
Richard: Everybody liked him.
Greene: Let’s go make war on Ireland.
Richard: Good idea. Let’s take everybody’s money too.
Bushy: John of Gaunt is almost dead.
Richard: Let’s hope he dies so we can take his money.